Bizarre – Season 1 – Ep 5

Season 1, Episode 5, Aired Nov 14, 1980

John Byner-Host/Various Characters
Tom Harvey-Various Characters
Bob Einstein-Producer

Guest Stars
Steve Weston (II) Various Characters
Beau Starr – Various Characters
Billy Van – Various Characters

Three men are digging in what looks to be a mine until two of them find books and rush out to tell everyone. The third man rushes out as well and closes a door behind him which reveals the mine is actually Mt. Saint Helen’s Public Library.
At a women’s body building championship, a woman in a black bikini poses for a minute or two before a host congratulates the woman named Madeline Smith for being second runner up. Rose Marie Leduq is brought out as the first runner up and she poses for a minute or so for the audience. The host calls out the winner at this point who is Norma Jean Webster, a tall and very masculine “woman”. Norma Jean says she has been body building for six months and is between jobs as she kept breaking her finger nails in her old typing job. Norma Jean goes on to say she likes intelligent and strong men but can handle man who make passes at her by blowing a whistle for help or grabbing them by their balls and squeezing hard.
An elderly man, who is coughing, is in a waiting room for a doctor when a younger man enters and sits down next to him. The younger man sympathizes with the elderly man and gets him a drink of water and tells him the elderly need more respect. The elderly man says he’s been waiting for more than an hour and the younger man retrieves a number of magazines from a nearby coffee table for him as he talks. Shortly thereafter, the doctor enters and the younger man says he was there first and pushes the elderly man to the floor as he follows the doctor out the door.
A man and a woman are eating a romantic dinner at a restaurant and tell the waiter that everything is great. The man and woman talk about different relatives each has and after some back and forth discussion, they realize they are mother and son and the intimate plans they have for later may not be a good idea. With the end of the sketch, John, seated at the table, tells the producer Bob that he’d like to do the sketch over as he feels it wasn’t funny enough and it needs to be explained up front. Bob agrees and says they’ll sneak a tiny gag into the start of the sketch and asks for the sketch to be restarted at the beginning. Moments later, as the sketch begins again, the waiter walks up to John and the woman and asks if there was anything he and his mother would like.
A male hairdresser welcomes First Lady Rosalin Carter into his salon and does her hair as the president’s wife talks about a number of noted world leaders and what the President says about them in very favorable terms. After the First Lady leaves, the hairdresser calls a reporter named Woodward and says that this is Deep Throat and he has some hot news for Woodward and Bernstein.
Reporter Paul Winegarden recounts that a year ago, a popular documentary Scared Straight was seen by audiences which showed prison convicts trying to get juvenile delinquents to change their ways by relating what prison will be like if they continue on their current paths. With this in mind, they are now going to show a documentary filmed at Rahway prison for the fact. The documentary, titled Scared Thin, starts with five teenagers being led down a prison corridor. The first teenager is Ralph Smedley, age 14, who weighs 327 pounds. The second teenager is Suzie Cuehelo, age 17, who weighs 330 pounds. The third teenager is Bernie Lavitch, age 15, who weighs 410 pounds. The fourth teenager is Elliot Wax, age 16, who weighs 440 pounds. The fifth teenager is Kenny Fritz, age 17 1/2, who weighs 481 pounds.
The teenagers are sat down on a long wooden bench and are talked to by a few overweight convicts. The first convict to speak is Sam “Cholesterol” Williams, charged with breaking into a synagogue on a Saturday and eating a Bar Mitzvah. The second convict to speak is Tony “Two Ton” Calabrese, captured by federal authorities after eating an entire endangered species.
The narrator relates that after meeting with the convicts, the teenagers changed in the following ways: Ralph now weighs 220 pounds three months after Rahway, Bernie now weighs 198 five months after Rahway, Elliot now weighs 172 pounds four months after Rahway and is still losing weight, Suzie now weighs 115 pounds six months after Rahway and considered completely cured and Kenny now weighs 506 pounds eight months after Rahway and works presently for Baskin and Robbins ice cream.
John closes the show by urging everybody watching the show to pay close attention to the closing credits as it show who really works on the show and deserves credit. As the credits roll, every crew credit has the name of John Byner attached to it.